It all started at Wal-Mart. I was in the frozen food section, checking out this friggin' hot chick. She was checking out the frozen foods. I moved in closer to figure out how her mere presence hadn't melted all the ice cream. But as I moved in, she disappeared into thin air. Holy friggin'--Really?. That's when I saw what had caught her eyes. Nestle cookie-dipped Drumsticks.
As soon as I exited the store and sunk my teeth into one of the cones, it became clear what had happened to the hot chick. The Drumsticks were so awesome they'd overpowered and absorbed her (damn, Drumsticks, why you gotta' be so cold?). I've always loved Drumsticks, don't get me wrong. But until now, we were just friends. Those cookie-dipped cones took our relationship to the next level. They changed my life. It's okay. Be jealous.
I can't say the same for these Oreos. Neither did they drink my milkshake nor did they bring all the girls to the yard, but they did milk me for a lot more money than they were worth. Don't let the artificial colors lie to you. You are not a codfish... and these cookies taste awful.Remember those shit-nasty artificially flavored sugar wafers--the strawberry ones? Well, imagine that cream between two good ol' Oreo cookies. Are you vomiting yet? As soon as I make it back to Wal-Mart, I'm going to vomit on the new blue-cream Oreos. I'm one-for-one now. Who's next?
I'm a jerky man. That is, a real man. And Jack's Links is my shit. I love every flavor I've tried--classic, teriyaki, and even the nuggets. So now I stand face to face with Sweet and Spicy Thai-flavored beef jerky.
Here goes everything.
Daaaayum, shit's spicy. Not really. It's a little spicy but not that spicy. The above facial expression is about as real as the girl at the beginning of the story. The great deal of salt that had passed through my chapped lips, however, was real. So I had three choices.
Chap Stick's never let me down before but Blistex and Burt's Bees--its mid-priced ($2) and high-priced ($3) counterparts--had taunted me for far too long, and I was ready to try something new. When I tried 'em, I couldn't tell any real difference between the three other than that Blistex smelled awful and had a terrible consistency when I applied it to my lips and that Burt's Bees smelled damn good and had a much better consistency.Not long ago, I also tried X-Balm (not pictured), also $2, and that shit is worse than Blistex. If I'm going to splurge, I'll splurge on Burt's Bees. Otherwise, it's Chap Stick all the way for me. Now what do I do about my bad breath?
Of course! Mints. I've never tried Pure mints. But they're sugarfree so they won't be making my breath worse than before I ate them once they've fully dissolved. What's this about a "mirror inside"?
Okay, I can stare at myself in the mirror for a few seconds. Kind of fun. I guess. Now what? Do I grind the mints into a fine powder, sort it into lines, and snort the lines off the mirror? I mean, I guess it beats a toilet or a whore's ass in terms of sanitation and convenience, but really?Don't you guys have better things for your Chinese sweatshop workers to do than make pretty mint containers with useless mirrors? Like, I donno', make lead-filled plastic children's toys? Well, the mints are okay at least (they came from Canada).
But these delicious killers of bad breath will always be my babies. I keep a pack in my pocket at all times. And they really are good. Just ask any of my friends who love to bum them off me. Go out and try some. Now. Icebreakers Sours. Berry edition.Here's a fun trick: Spend some time with a friend, saying absolutely nothing to them all day. Then, when they seem worried or perturbed, pull out some of these babies and say, "It's okay. I have Icebreakers. We can talk now."
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