WR: Canzo Empyrean

After Michael Bay stole my Transformers, I worried for my G.I. Joes. Thankfully, Michael Bay won't be stealing them, but it looks like the director behind the Mummy might be. There's only one trailer available, and that scares me. So last night I scoured the Internets in hopes of finding a second G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie trailer since, so far, it looks like it might suck. Instead, I found a misnamed trailer for another film "G.I. Joe Movie 2009 (Extended Trailer)" or something, which is really "Canzo Empyrean."

Now, I'm generally not one to call things weird or "weird as hell." And I'm not about to start now. Still, Canzo Empyrean is weird. It's also slightly retarded.

Case in point.

You may recognize the golden mask as Destro's (from the G.I. Joe franchise), but you'd be only partially right. Yes, his name is Destro and, in the trailer, he dons the full 80s Destro outfit and has plans for world domination. However, Canzo Empyrean's Destro is also a mega-pimp/has the cure for AIDS. Yes, apparently, in the world of this movie, everyone or nearly everyone has AIDS and the government has outlawed sex.


Warning: This video contains violence and language. Not for children.



Further summary for the deaf and those too cool/scared to watch the video:

Destro apparently has some beef with Zartan, also of G.I. Joe fame, who is some sort of rock star or something in this movie. Here's a link to a strange parody of Billy Idol's "Eyes Without a Face" that apparently appears in the movie (Huka Brasi and the Brown Brown Mistys - Brine Guava) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HokYFdG6xmg

Here's a link to the original Billy Idol song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZhHNI7HXiE

It's still up for debate which version is weirder though--the original or the parody.

from Kinolingus Erectus, what looks like a clip from the movie, you can search for it on Youtube

Judging by this screenshot from the video, if the rest of this movie is as weird/retarded, it's probably worth watching. Of course, my Internet research has turned up little other info than this Facebook group dedicated to the hopeful release of this film. http://www.facebook.com/s.php?src=os&q=canzo+empyrean&sid=c540f23407b135dd7961d5e5d327ded8#/group.php?sid=c540f23407b135dd7961d5e5d327ded8&gid=59545075626&ref=search

I read somewhere that the movie's been nearly 10 years in the making and was released last year, shown only to a group of people in Monrovia, Liberia and in The Bronx, New York. I also read that you can get a signed, watermarked copy of the DVD if you send in proof of having spraypainted 25 different places with the Canzo Empyrean symbol. Where you send your proof I don't know.

I am a scary symbol. Canzo!

Then, there are two figures who've shown up on multiple message boards--a "Harry from Liberia" who's seen the film and a Pastor Phil who tells everyone not to listen to Harry or watch "this filth" or some variant--who refer to the movie.

It looks like a huge viral marketing campaign, and I'm not sure how effective it is or even if the movie actually exists. If it exists, I'd like to see it. But I'm done breaking my back to find more information.

Justin Fornal: Frankenstein or lost member of the Backstreet Boys?

That said, I can sort of see why this thing is kept so secret. Both the G.I. Joe PSA spoofs by Fensler Films and the G.I. Joe the Epic Saga (which was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen until the second half when it really just petered out) by Ravenstake/The Fine Bros got their copyright-infringing asses handed to them by Hasbro. Still, you can find those posted and reposted on Youtube, even after Hasbro got them taken down, or on your favorite torrent sites. You can't, however, find Canzo on torrent sites. Whatever. I, for one, am more irritated than intrigued.


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